Fairness in Divorce: The Myth & The Lie
The Myth of Fairness in Divorce: Spoiler Alert, It’s NOT Fair!
Let’s get real for a second - when it comes to divorce, “fairness” can often feel like that elusive unicorn that everyone talks about, but no one ever really sees. We all crave it, and we all think we deserve it, but much like a perfect latte (or gluten free pizza that actually tastes like pizza) it’s hard to find when you’re in the middle of the emotional rollercoaster that is divorce.
Here’s the skinny, fairness isn’t some magical force that just exists in the ethers, waiting to sprinkle a little justice over your split. It’s a concept that people throw around in the hope that the universe (and karma) will right the wrongs and give everyone exactly what they deserve. The truth? Divorce isn’t about fairness—it’s about finding a solution that works for both parties, even if neither of you walks away feeling like you hit the jackpot.
The Problem with Fairness in Divorce:
One of the biggest misconceptions about divorce is that it’s supposed to be "fair." When emotions are running high, it's easy to demand fairness, but the problem is, fairness is subjective. What feels fair to one person can feel like a total injustice to the other. Imagine fighting over a couch. One person thinks it’s just a couch, and the other thinks it’s a family heirloom passed down for generations (okay, maybe not quite, but you get the idea). When you’re in the trenches of divorce, fairness gets lost in the weeds of personal feelings, past grievances and anger.
Resisting the Urge to Fight Over Money, Property, and Possessions
Here's where things can really get tricky: Money, possessions, and property. Ah, yes, the classic battlegrounds of divorce. It's easy to get sucked into the idea that "fairness" in divorce means splitting everything down the middle—50/50, right? But here's the deal: arguing over these things isn’t going to bring you peace. In fact, it often just makes things worse.
It’s tempting to dig your heels in when it comes to possessions that hold sentimental value or when the numbers aren’t adding up the way you hoped. But here's the truth bomb: holding on to that need for fairness over property and money often comes at the cost of your emotional health. The longer you argue over things, the more energy you waste on the past, and the less energy you have for the future.
So how do you resist? First, recognize that the value of a possession or a dollar amount may not be as big of a win as it seems. Ask yourself: “Will this really matter in a year? Five years? Ten?” Often, the answer is no. And the emotional toll of constant bickering over “stuff” can hurt you far more than it hurts your ex. Plus, stuff can always be replaced, but your peace of mind? That’s irreplaceable.
The Real Deal: Finding a New Normal:
In my work as a divorce “doula” or coach, I always say the goal is to find a "new normal" for both parties. It’s not about getting everything you want or making sure your ex gets what they deserve—it’s about creating a fair resolution for what comes next. The reality is, what’s fair in divorce often boils down to compromise and finding balance, not equality in the traditional sense.
Here’s a pro tip: sometimes, the real win is walking away without carrying a whole lot of bitterness with you. And I know, it sounds easier said than done, but trust me, it’s worth it. Holding onto “fairness” might leave you holding a grudge longer than necessary, and no one wants to carry that baggage into the next chapter.
The Takeaway: Let Go of the Fairness Fable
The sooner you let go of the myth that divorce is supposed to be fair, the quicker you can move toward finding a solution that works for you. Will it be perfect? No. But it will be yours. And that’s something worth celebrating.
So, forget about fairness. Focus on what you need to heal and grow. And, if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get the couch—and *priceless peace of mind.
~Lisa
