Divorce Through a Child’s Eyes: Stop the Tug-of-War

Divorce is hard enough without turning kids into pawns. But too often, children—from toddlers to teens—get caught in the middle, used as messengers, bargaining chips, emotional crutches or straight up weapons of mass destruction - all, no bueno. Bottom line, Kids don’t have the power to stop this behavior and it’s lasting affects—but we do.

How Kids Experience Weaponization

When parents “weaponize” or use their children to hurt, punish, or control each other, it can look like:

🔹 Being Put in the Middle – “Tell your mom I need that check.” “Ask your dad why he doesn’t love us anymore.” Kids should never be forced to carry adult problems.

🔹 Feeling Like a Prize to Be Won – Whether through gifts, guilt, or withholding affection, kids sense when love comes with conditions.

🔹 Hearing One Parent Tear Down the Other – Criticizing, blaming, or badmouthing the other parent puts kids in an impossible position—because they are part of both parents.

🔹 Being Pressured to Choose Sides – No child should feel guilty for loving both parents. But when one parent alienates the other, kids may feel forced to take sides to keep the peace.

The Hidden Impact on Kids

When parents fight, message or negotiate through their children, kids don’t just suffer in the moment—they carry those wounds for life. Many grow up struggling with trust, self-worth, and relationships because they were conditioned to navigate adult emotions before they were ready.

Instead of asking, “How do I win this divorce?” the real question should be:

👉🏽 How do I make sure my child feels safe, loved, and free to be a kid?

Top 10 Things You Can Do to Halt the Weaponization of Kids in Divorce.

1️⃣ Watch Your Words – Speak about the other parent with respect (even if they don’t deserve it). Your child is always listening.

2️⃣ Don’t Use Kids as Messengers – If you have something to say to your ex, say it yourself. Keep kids out of adult communication.

3️⃣ Let Them Love Freely – Encourage their relationship with both parents without guilt, bribery, or emotional pressure.

4️⃣ Be a Safe Space – Allow them to share their feelings without fear of angering, disappointing or betraying you.

5️⃣ Keep Adult Issues with Adults – Money, court battles, and grievances don’t belong on your child’s shoulders.

6️⃣ Don’t Make Them Choose Sides – Your child is not a referee. Never make them feel like loving one parent is a betrayal of the other.

7️⃣ Check Your Motivations – Before making decisions about custody, holidays, or schedules, ask yourself: Is this best for my child, or is this about me?

8️⃣ Encourage Stability – Keep their routines, friendships, and activities consistent so they feel grounded during the transition.

9️⃣ Get Support – Divorce is hard. Seeking guidance from a coach (that’s me!), therapist, and/or support group can help you navigate co-parenting without using your child as an emotional outlet.

🔟 Always Ask: ‘Is This Helping or Hurting?’ – Before you act or react, take a breath and reflect on whether your choices are truly in your child’s best interest.

Final Thought: Be the Parent They Deserve

Your child didn’t choose this divorce—but you can choose to protect them from its worst effects. Every decision, every conversation, and every interaction with your co-parent shapes their emotional well-being. Let’s make sure they come out of this feeling whole, loved, and emotionally safe.

💡 Need guidance on co-parenting and conflict resolution? Let’s talk, I can help. ~Lisa